Searching for a story.

May 22, 2013

As I indicated in my last two posts, I’ve been feeling a bit awash in life; unable to grab hold of, and maintain a steadfast grip on, a meaning-system with which I can make sense of the world. We are creatures which perceive the world through our various senses. We integrate the data, and convert it into a narrative which explains the reality we experience. The ability to formulate narratives; to make stories out of our experiences, is thought to be a relatively new arrival. Since perhaps as recently as 250,000 years ago, our brains gradually began to organize all its collected data, all of our experiences of reality, into stories.

Meaning systems are like narrative templates, and we story our experiences in line with the predominant meaning systems of our day. Thus, meaning system have a profound effect, not on how we experience reality, but how we view those experiences in relation to the larger story of life. Meaning systems can and do come in the form of religion, but things like culture, trends, politics, economics, prevailing thoughts, science, and even rationality itself are also meaning systems.

In the not too distant past, meaning systems we fewer and more stable. The menu was short, and the diners were happy. Once upon a time, Christians had very little direct exposure to Hindu’s. Each was isolated from the other, and very content with their wildly different meaning systems which, to this very day, shape the way Hindus and Christians story their lives.

I was raised with a literal carte balance: a blank card, and unfettered access to any and all available meaning systems which human kind had a record of. It was a modern, secular education. I had only to choose. But there were so many choices! Was I going to be a Christian? Or an Atheist? Or a Buddhist? I only found out about Humanists a few short years ago! They seem pretty good too. And that’s just religion. Was I going to be a Democrat, or a Republican, or would I eventually conclude politics in America is a shit-show precisely because of such labels. I’m for a society which generates “the greatest happiness for the greatest number” of its citizens, and I think makes me, among other things, both a Pacifist and an Anarchist (which I only discovered the many meanings of six years ago)!

And what to do about the economy? Storying one’s life with a Capitalist narrative structure seems quite popular these days. But how much capital per-person is too much, and what are the consequences? What are the benefits, too? Should I just say f@*k it, and live off the land? I read a book about a guy who did just that, over 150 years ago, and whose writing is so shockingly relevant today that perhaps I should chop down trees, built a cabin, hoe some beans, and story my own Walden.

And Philosophy. And Psychology. And Neurology. And rationality. They were all driving me insane. What to do with my life, but more importantly, WHY?

I’m sure I’m not the only wayward 20-something (a phrase which describes me for exactly four more months). We are a generation devoid of a universally agreed upon meaning system. I recall half-assed attempts to make the modern world sound tolerable, which were the only narrative templates I had to story my future: get a good education, to get as high a paying job as that education entitles you to, so you can have the things you want. In the end, things were the ultimate goal. Considerable sacrifices to personal freedom and independent thought had to be made in order to fit into the prevailing meaning system. I don’t recall any meaning system about how and why to live a happy life.

It just so happened that there would be no sense of urgency for my generation either. No Great Depression; no Evil Axis. As I said to someone at dinner last night, speaking of my lackluster motivation for participating in the world versus my parents: “Nothing motivates a generation like the imminent threat of a nuclear holocaust.”

I concluded earlier today that I must be searching for my story. It may turn out that my search is the story: the way of the peaceful wanderer? Nevertheless, I’m out here, and I’m trying things out. There are many who've gone before me, and I try and read their tales to see if they know the way. I may never stop moving, but I do hope to find the story which helps me come to rest.