May 18th, 2013
Sometimes my mind swells when contemplating the enormity of beauty and
horror in the world. I’m left with a non-specific sense of urgency which obscures
the beauty and undermines compassion and action. I often feel like I’m
forcing an excess of perception through a funnel that is far too narrow. By the
time the stuff of thought gets extruded, the present moment has come and
gone. I doubt I’m the only person who occasionally feels this way.
Consciousness is profound.
Over the past two years, I’ve made some radical decisions
concerning my life course. The most significant decision was also the easiest.
For reasons I’ve yet to fully understand, I decided to quit playing poker for a
living. From an external perspective, things were great. I was making good
money playing a game from the comfort of wherever I wanted to be. However, I
never wanted to play, and rarely did. That was my first clue that something
wasn’t right. When the US made it officially illegal to play online poker from
within United Sates, I moved to Canada, played for a month, and then quit. That
was two years ago.
I had no idea what to do next, so I decided to devote my 28th
year of life to discovering what I was passionate about. I made a list of several
intense experiences to immerse myself in, and proceeded to have the best year
of my life crossing each activity off the list. By the end of the year, I had
done many new and interesting things. The experience I valued most, however,
was meditation. Having no experience with meditation whatsoever, I had attended
a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. While there, I saw a solution in which I
could dissolve many of life’s problems.
It wasn’t a religion, or even a belief system. It was a
practice. A simple practice with which I could teach myself how and why to be a
better person. A practice with which I could train my body and mind to not be so
angry, so worried, so judgmental, so afraid, or so attached. I understood it as
a way, not to get what I wanted, but as a process by which to realize that
whatever I already had was more than enough. Instead of obtaining everything I
wanted – which, for me, is everything there is plus a little extra – I realized
that I could un-want things at a very deep level; that I could be free from
desiring things my mind thought might make me happy, but which often got in the
way of happiness here and now.
Clearing out just a few non-essential desires left a vast
cavern in which I could directly cultivate inner riches of compassion,
contentment, and satisfaction with life. By the end of the year, this task of cultivation
had become, so to speak, my passion. However, after one year of searching I
still couldn’t chart a comprehensive course for living what I thought to be a proper
life in the modern world. But, meditation gave me an invaluable rudder, which
was the ability to accept my inherent rudderlessness. I still forget I can do
that from time to time; that I can accept what is, stop striving, and simply enjoy.
My next major decision was whether or not to do ‘The Happy
Ride’. According to plan, I was supposed to be conserving my money, not
spending it on exotic travel and expensive machinery. However, serendipity can be a delightful bitch. The
motorcycle I now own and have driven across Laos and Cambodia found me, not the
other way around. When I first laid eyes on it, I was horrified by its
impeccable condition. It was a contemptibly perfect motorcycle for around the
world travel. The seller was a shamefully genial Brit who had the nerve to
offer the bike, with loads of extras, at a good price. Everything surrounding
the trip logistics seemed to fall in place of its own accord. For a whole month
in Myanmar, I thought it over. In the end, I acquiesced to fate, which is
something I never do, and which is not something I recommend. As luck would
have it, I couldn’t be happier with the result.
Having barely started the trip, I’m already facing another
seemingly major decision: How long will the trip take? One year? Five years? I
honestly don’t know. As I wrote in my last post that I’ve been toying with the
idea of spending ten months in Nepal and India, as opposed to the planned two
months. This would make the trip at least two years in length, and may make
riding across Africa less likely due to time and money constraints. Suffice it
to say, there are innumerable reasons for it, and innumerable reasons against
it.
I confined myself to a relaxing and stylish riverside guesthouse
in Kampot, Cambodia. I wasn’t going to leave or do anything until I made a
decision; several decision actually. I began to brood. I began to want things
to be particular ways, and I was letting rudderlessness get the best of me.
Part of me wants a normal life and the security that comes
with it. Aside from summer jobs, I’ve never earned a regular paycheck, and I
haven’t graduated from college – an exceedingly popular thing to do these days.
Building a secure lifestyle was sounding increasingly comforting, and thoughts
about this made me terribly distressed.
Wisdom fell out of the sky in the form of a beautiful and
sage woman named Erin. I had been
ruminating about living a stable and helpful life. I wanted to be “involved”,
but didn’t know where to start, or what I meant by that. I read some philosophy,
and continued to brood.
Talking with Erin was a relief. We both went kayaking and
began to chat, as travellers do, about life itself. She had well defined and
reasoned thoughts about what to do, how to be, and could articulate them succinctly.
We admitted to the inherent slipperiness of life’s big questions – the ones I
typically get stuck on – but she had the courage of her convictions, and knew
how to trust her inherently benevolent intuition. She is an exemplar of wisdom
in action, too.
An autodidact, a self-starter, Erin had constructed a life
for herself which I consider ideal. She had recently moved to Cambodia to take
a position at a charity that deals with acid attacks. Not knowing what those
were, Erin explained. Unbeknownst to me, throwing battery acid in other people’s
faces is an activity that some people’s brains decide is a good idea. The unlucky
owners of such a brain are compelled to buy battery acid and toss it on someone
else, who, in turn, are the unlucky recipients of actions caused by the unfortunate
configuration of someone else’s brain. Getting battery acid thrown in your face
leads to severe disfigurement and health complications, but rarely death. I was
unaware that people engaged in such recreation. It was a very illuminating conversation.
Erin and I had a long chat about morality, ethics, and
compassion after that. I had recently read neuroscientist and philosopher Sam
Harris’ treatise on free-will. While there is a debate about whether
determinism in the brain is compatible with free will, evidence that brain
configurations lead to particular thoughts, beliefs, and actions is
overwhelming. There exists a configuration in the brains of each and everyone
one of us that would compel us to conclude that harming others is a good idea. For
example, if it were possible to precisely configure the state of persons brain, it would be possible to make them believe that they are
justified in throwing battery acid in someone else’s face.
Although precisely configuring the state of a person’s brain
is not currently possible, there are numerous external influences which do predictably alter the stuff of thought, and thus the resulting actions. For example, certain brain injuries and tumors
cause particular brain configurations which cause people to do all manner of wacky things. The environment
can also reliably provoke particular brain configurations. A child who is physically beaten
every day of his youth will develop a preponderance brain configurations that compel
him to violence as an adult. Tragedy begets tragedy in all but the most heroic
circumstances.
Brain configurations can be influenced by culture too. Through
culture, people inherit particular thought structures and ways of interpreting
the world which predictably lead towards certain brain configurations. For
example, in countries where there is explicit and often legally enforced subjugation
of women, peoples brains are woefully less likely to conclude that throwing
acid in a woman’s face is wrong. Sometimes, these tragic brains conclude that
the act was justified.
In Cambodia, the acid attackers are often distraught lovers,
and often teenagers, boiling in the confusion of undirected emotion. Jealousy between lovers is a common theme in contemporary Cambodian culture. The attackers almost always express remorse or, more commonly, ignorance. They simply had
not, or could not, process the gravity of their actions before acting. Other
times, the attackers are the archetypal sociopaths we all too reflexively hate.
In all likelihood, their tormented lives led to tormented brains which
result in tragic action. The incalculable amount of suffering they endure
does not exonerate them, but I can’t, for the life of me, see any reason to
hate such a person.
Erin and I talked about these issues. I was delighted that research suggests reasons for being more compassionate. Erin didn’t seem to need any convincing to be more compassionate, although I think she enjoyed the conversation. Her life path probably won’t lead to riches or celebrity status. She probably won’t own a luxury homes, drive a fancy car, or be able to buy the latest gadgets – which are random desires resultant from brain configurations induced by our own culture, and the $15,000,000,000,000,000 annual GDP which manufactures, perpetuates, and depends entirely, on such desire.
Erin and I talked about these issues. I was delighted that research suggests reasons for being more compassionate. Erin didn’t seem to need any convincing to be more compassionate, although I think she enjoyed the conversation. Her life path probably won’t lead to riches or celebrity status. She probably won’t own a luxury homes, drive a fancy car, or be able to buy the latest gadgets – which are random desires resultant from brain configurations induced by our own culture, and the $15,000,000,000,000,000 annual GDP which manufactures, perpetuates, and depends entirely, on such desire.
There is a felt sense of dis-ease when we do not have the
things we desire. I've observed that people like Erin are largely immune to this uncomfortable feeling of lack. She may not obtain
the things our culture induces us to desire, but her job will result in fewer
people getting acid thrown in their face. Sounds successful to me. Erin taught
me a great deal about the kind of life I want to make for myself.
However, I was stuck contemplating; not acting. I feel like
I’ve been doing this my whole life. Perhaps ceaseless contemplation results
from an unavoidable configuration of my brain. Who knows? However, it seems meditation and talks with wonderful people like Erin are influencing my thoughts and actions in positive ways. After hearing Erin's story, I realized that inasmuch as I was
brooding over how to construct a selfless life, I misunderstood what it meant
to be selfless. My current path is that of searching, and it's inherently uncertain. I realized had to let go of the decision of whether or not extend
my time in Nepal and India to ten months.
The advice I’ve gotten from friends has hinted at this
conclusion. As fellow motorcycle traveller, and likely candidate for friend
from a previous lifetime, Danny DiGiacomo, has twice reminded me: “You’ll never
starve!” Probabilistically speaking, he’s right. I think understanding the
profundity this statement should be an aspiration for all to which it applies,
which, if you are reading this blog, likely means you too! You can read the
English language, and presumably own or know how to operate a computer. Being a
native speaker of English currently qualifies one for decent employment
opportunities in the developing world, which comprises the overwhelming
majority of the world’s population (roughly 85%).
About one in seven
people on Earth don’t get sufficient protein, vitamins, or minerals in their
diet on a daily or yearly basis. To be at the bottom of this cohort means
calorie counting is a literal matter of life and death. Thirty million Chinese
people were unable to keep their nutritional tally high enough to sustain life
during three years of famine which began in 1958. Simply teaching English is
currently a readily available means of not-starving for just about everyone I know.
The point is not to feel guilty, an all too common and oft
misplaced reaction to the very real and often visceral horrors of the world.
The point is to realize how lucky we are. Gratitude and compassion are
far more appropriate responses. They’re more helpful too. The difference between
the two can be felt, which is significant.
Both times Danny reminded me that “I’ll never starve” gave
rise to a felt sense of lightness. Am I the only one? What was I so worried
about? On closer inspection, I found that the worst case scenarios for my career
life are eminently acceptable. Does such a realization not bring everyone
relief? The deeper I go with it, the lighter I feel.
Nobody is immune to loss, to heartbreak, or to uncertainty.
Setbacks are bound to come in life. By some unlikely turn of events, it may be
starvation that does me in after all. I had considerable consternation over
several career (or lack thereof) decisions I have made over the past two years.
I’m not sure where any of this is going, but I’m glad to have the support and encouragement
of others.
I’ve decided to extend the trip, or at least my time in
Nepal and India. I could be wandering for years to come; in fact I hope that is
the case. I do want to contribute, but I also what to attain an understanding
of selflessness which puts that desire in what I feel is the proper context.
A non-college grad, a wayward former poker player, an
unemployed and seemingly directionless vagabond am I. Suffice it to say, I’m on
an alternative path. I’m not secured in the way my culture compels me to seek
security. However, no matter how we travel, we all end up in the same place, and we can’t
take anything with us. We have only the one journey, which takes place now. Each
moment we are the oldest we’ve even been, and the youngest we’ll ever be.
Whatever anxiety we create in trying to secure ourselves can be reduced by
letting go. After all, if you’re reading this, you’ll never starve! Let go! Or,
follow this blog and read about the trials and tribulations of a man who is trying
to let go.
I’m a big fan of informed decision making through
statistics. Below are two lists. One is the top 10 things that correlate to experienced
happiness. The other are the top 5 things people regret when they are dying. It
seems that both of these list are diametrically opposed to how we in the West
structure our lives. They suggest that we should live deliberately, and pursue
happiness and fulfillment more directly.
Lastly, this blog was supposed to be about happiness and the
emerging science of positive psychology. I’m not sure what this blog is anymore. At any
rate, one empirical finding of positive psychology is that people feel happier
when spending money on other people, as opposed to on themselves. And so, I
offer you an opportunity to increase your own happiness. Below is a link to the
charity Erin works for. It’s a US registered 501-3(c), and they accept
donations through PayPal, which makes it a quick and easy process. $50 goes a
long way in Cambodia, but even a $5 contribution would be helpful.
The good news is that, not only will fewer people get acid thrown in their face, but you will experience a boost in happiness
too. Put your own intention into it. Relish the act of giving to others, and
happiness will result. If you don’t have a PayPal account, already give to
other causes, or simply don’t feel like giving to random charities, buy a
friend a coffee, or perform some other random act of kindness. Do some little
thing to increase the happiness of some other person, and it will increase your own happiness too. Its science!
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” - Plato
"Universal compassion in the only guarantee of morality.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer
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